Description of a Controlling Co-Dependent

You could be a passive co-dependent, “people pleasing” your way through life and in a relationship with a controlling co-dependent who is:

• Someone who is deeply insecure and feels better about life when he or she is in control
• Someone you need who knows that you need him or her
• Someone who supports you financially and holds that over you
• Someone you feel indebted to for some reason
• Someone you are afraid of
  
  
  Intimidation by a Controlling Co-Dependent
  
  You could be a controlling co-dependent if you:
• Use emotional blackmail to get others to do what you want them to do
• Convince others that you are the “only one” with enough intellect, wisdom and experience in life to give directions
• Act in such a way that no one would dare question or stand up to you
• Keep others loyal to you by threatening to pull back your support, love, caring or approval of them

Intimidation is a control issue and is used in an attempt to get others to do what you want them to do. If you use intimidation tactics to get your own way and you want to change your behaviour, acknowledge the fact that it is you who has to change. Change your thinking to change your feelings to change your behaviour.


Co-Dependency Progression

As co-dependency progresses, it will result in stress, disrupted relationships, controlling behaviour and physical illness. This is possibly the underlying cause of many addictions, including food addiction. We can also pass it on to our children unless we break the chain of co-dependency.

Co-dependency is a family disease. If the mother is co-dependent and overweight, this could result in the whole family suffering from obesity and subsequent health problems. The inability of a parent to lose weight becomes a family issue and can lead to self-esteem problems for the children.

SELF ANALYSIS QUIZ
Are you co-dependent?

These are all self-defeating learned behaviours that often result in an inability to initiate and maintain healthy relationships. If you identify with several of these symptoms, or are dissatisfied with yourself and your relationship with others, then consider getting professional help.

1. Do you put other people’s wants and needs before your own?
2. Do you value other people’s approval of your thinking, feelings or behaviour, over your own?
3. Do you change or ignore your own values in order to maintain a relationship?
4. Do you feel overly responsible or assume responsibility for someone else’s feelings or behaviours?
5. Do you worry about how other people may respond to your feelings?
6. Do you focus your attention on protecting other people?
7. Do you anticipate other people’s needs and desires, meeting them before they are asked to be met?
8. Do you feel good about yourself only when helping others?
9. Is your self-esteem bolstered only by other people?
10. Does fear about someone else’s feelings determine what you say or do?
11. Do other people’s behaviours and attitudes tend to determine your behaviour?
12. Do you value other people’s opinions more highly than your own?
13. Do you have trouble saying “no” when people ask you for help?
14. Do you keep quiet to avoid confrontation?
15. Do you have an unhealthy dependence on relationships, and do anything to hold on to a relationship in order to avoid feeling abandoned, rejected or alone?
16. Do you have a compelling need to control others?
17. Do you feel uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
18. Do you feel bad when you make a mistake?
19. Do you have difficulty accepting compliments?
20. Do you have problems with intimacy and boundaries?
21. Do you have a tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people you can pity and rescue?
22. Do you think people in your life would not be able to cope without your constant efforts?
23. Do you have an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of other people?
24. Do you have a tendency to do more than your fair share all the time and become hurt when people don’t recognise your efforts?


Irrational Ideas That Cause the Co-Dependent Emotional Distress

1. It is absolutely necessary to be loved and approved by all the important people in my life if I want to consider myself as worthwhile.
2. It is unbearable when people and things are not the way I think they should be.
3. My unhappiness is caused by external circumstances.
4. I must always prove to others that I am a thoroughly confident person.
5. Unless I constantly worry about a problem it will only get worse.
6. It is easier to avoid certain life difficulties and responsibilities than it is to face them.
7. It is reasonable to be dependent upon others who are stronger that I am.
8. I should condemn everyone who acts unreasonably and unfairly to me and blame him or her for my stress.
9. I should become quite upset over other people’s problems and do all I can to alleviate their worry.
10. When people act unfairly or badly, they should be severely punished.

These irrational ideas contribute to depression with its associated symptoms of:

• Anger
• Fear
• Resentment
• Self-pity
• Guilt
• Hopelessness
• Lost motivation
• Self-loathing
  

Often, the above emotions lead to overeating to alleviate the emotional pain. Once sugars and carbohydrates are ingested, self-discipline disappears and the compulsion to satisfy food cravings continues.

If you eat one piece of cake or a biscuit, this doesn’t necessarily mean you are trying to regulate your mood and energy levels. But if you feel compelled to consume large portions of sugars and carbohydrates all of a sudden, you are most likely eating to anaesthetise troubling emotions. That is, you are experiencing tension, depression, anxiety or boredom (which is really loneliness combined with the frustration that life is too routine), and you want to feel better fast.